Somewhere Over The Edge
by Don-O
Summary: Daria gets a big lesson on money, death and the American Way, thanks to Upchuck and "friends".


SOMEWHERE OVER THE EDGE  
(or 'Daria's Failed Final Fantasy')  
by Don Fields  
(WARNING: Even though this is a self-contained story,  
there is a slight reference to the events in 'Dye, Dye, My Darling')  
  
SCENE ONE:  
It's late at night and this scene starts at a entrance of an old large bridge that just been condemned, as noted by the huge chain fence and large cautionary signs closing off the entrance. Off in the far distance, the faint sound of a river rushing from underneath the bridge. There isn't much light here other than from the full moon and an old almost dead street lamp. DARIA is then seen walking up to the bridge. She looks around a bit until she notices, far off to her right, a foot dirt path. She follows this path until it leads her to a hole in the fence. She crawls through and, from the hole, finds another makeshift path leading off to the far side and into the inner-structure of the bridge. Her instincts and the sound of the rushing river leads her through this maze until she finds herself standing on a beam looking over the river itself. DARIA takes her time partly studying and partly staring blindly at the river below. The river's rushing sound is quite loud now. She slowly turns, deeply sighs, closes her eyes and holds out her arms and hands like wings. Showing no emotion at all, DARIA inches her feet towards the very edge. However, just as the gravity takes told and begins to pull her down, she hear the sound of an person (OLD WOMAN) screaming, becoming closer.  
  
OLD WOMAN:  
Geeeeeeeeeeetttttttttttttttttttoooooooooouuuuuuuuutttttttttttt....  
  
DARIA notices this and opens an eye. In a very quick procession, DARIA p.o.v. is a bottom half of an OLD WOMAN falling off the top of the bridge, and towards DARIA's way.....  
  
OLD WOMAN: (cont.)  
ooooooooooffffffffffffffftttttttttttthhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeewwwwwwwaaaaa...  
  
Again in very quick procession, DARIA opens both her eyes in shock, grabs one of the bridge poles within her arms reach and pulls herself back on the ledge, JUST missing the OLD WOMAN as she passes right behind DARIA.  
  
OLD WOMAN: (cont., fading off by now)  
yyyyyyyydddduuuummmmbbasssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
She hears a loud splash. DARIA is thrown for a loop from this sudden event. Still holding on to the pole, DARIA turns her head and carefully leans over the edge to look at the river. She can't find the OLD WOMEN. Just like before, another voice from above is suddenly coming in again, only it's a man (MAN #1) with a ringing cell phone in his hand.  
  
MAN #1:  
EEEEEExxxxxxxxxxxcuuuuuuuuuseeeeeeeeeee.........  
  
DARIA hears this one coming and, without looking, pulls herself out of the MAN's way. Just as DARIA pulls back, the MAN, now fully seen dressed in a business suit, tosses his phone to DARIA as he passes her by and tells her something VERY quickly...  
  
MAN #1: (cont., very quickly)  
canyouanserthatformeI'mverybusyrightnooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww..........  
  
MAN #1 finally passes and hits the river and, like the OLD WOMAN, disappears into the water. DARIA pokes her head over the ledge...yup, he's gone. DARIA is stunned, lost for words. She turns her sights into the darkened inner working of the bridge for clues. She finds a makeshift flight of stairs heading up to a hole to the surface of the bridge, with a large arrow-shaped sign (with cheap flashing X-mas tree lights) pointing upward.  
  
DARIA: (under her breath)  
What the hell.......??  
  
DARIA tosses the phone aside and begins to make her way towards this discovery as another man (MAN #2) falls to the river right behind her.  
  
MAN #2: (passing by)  
GoddamnedstockmarketI'llgetBillGatesforthiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssss...  
  
DARIA carefully climbs up the stairs. On the surface of the bridge is, of course, a street...only, in this case, a pot-holed ridden worn-out street; concrete riddled with large cracks, large pot holes, etc. . As DARIA makes it to the top, she pops her head up through the hole to the street only to be blind sided by the sight of a huge sign almost leaning over the hole that reads 'THE LINE STARTS HERE!!'. The sound of the river has faded and somewhat replaced by a steady natural sound of a small crowd...waiting. DARIA climbs out of the hole and goes around the sign only to find a long line of people that ends at the edge of the bridge. There's an (for now) unidentified man at the head of the line, a person give him money and jumps off, we hear him/her scream off into the river. Out of sheer curiosity, DARIA begins to walk past the line to the front to investigate. However, as she makes her way, a few in line protest.  
  
MAN #3 (upset, to DARIA)  
HEY! YOU! What ya doin'? Get back in line!!  
  
YUPPIE WOMAN: (ditto)  
I've been waiting here for half a hour and I'm not gonna blow my turn with some low-rent slacker.  
  
HUSBAND OF YUPPIE WOMAN: (ditto)  
That's right!! We gotta off ourselves before 1 a. m. for tax propose! Get back there with the rest of the bums!  
  
DARIA is a little startled with the hostility, but she holds her ground and continues her investigation. That is, until she bumps into (of all people) BEVIS and BUTTHEAD with a makeshift paper sign marked 'SUCKcurity' duck taped to their chest. The impact forces the LITTLE WEANERHEADS to fall on the ground and a dis-believing DARIA standing over them.  
  
BEVIS: (upset)  
OUCH! DAMN IT!! THIS SUCKS! We're supposed to beat the crap out of people and stuff. Heh-heh.  
  
BUTTHEAD: (ditto, to BEVIS)  
Yea, butcha ya keep falling on top of me, BUTTplug!  
  
BEVIS: (to BUTTHEAD)  
No way, BUTThole! You keep bumping into ME!  
  
Both get up to face each other.  
  
BUTTHEAD:  
Way, dude. I was about to kick this intruder's ass but you got scared and fell on top of me....wuss! Huh-huh.  
  
BUTTHEAD smacks BEVIS.  
  
BEVIS:  
OUCH! Screw you, dickweed! I was catching your fall when you passed out from the look on his face,.....DILLhole!  
  
BEVIS smacks BUTTHEAD.  
  
BUTTTHEAD:  
OUCH! Knock it off, weakling or I'll KICK your ass!  
  
BUTTHEAD returns the favor and it quickly turns from a facial slap feast into a punching and grabbing fight and both end up on the ground again only kicking each other's ass. After a few seconds of this prize fight, DARIA interrupts their discussion.  
  
DARIA:  
Um, excuse me. Normally, the 'intruder' would of escaped with the 'Pink Panther' by now and would of left you inspectors to fight this out for a couple of lame films but...  
  
THE LITTLE WEANERHEADS, now slightly bruised, stop their fight and get up.  
  
BUTTHEAD:  
Uhhhh....really? Huh-huh...she's right, dude...  
  
BEVIS:  
...OH..yea...heh-heh (to DARIA) So..ah..heh-heh....what do we do now?  
  
YUPPIE WOMAN: (yelling at the WEANERHEADS and pointing to DARIA)  
You're supposed to keep slackers like her BACK to the end of the line where her kind belongs and KEEP her there!!  
  
BUTTHEAD:  
OH yea, huh-huh (to DARIA, in his [barely] 'authoritative' voice) O. K., ma'am...huh-huh...before we can kick your butt and stuff...huh-huh...we'll have to strip search you....huh-huh....(to BEVIS, pointing to DARIA)...Officer, I want a cavity search. Pronto!  
  
BEVIS whips out a rubber glove and tries (unsuccessfully) to put it on.  
  
BEVIS: (excited)  
COOL! Now bend over, or I whip a six-pack of whip-ass and serve it to ya in a frosty enema bag, ma'am. Heh-heh.  
  
Suddenly, UPCHUCK walks into the scene and addresses BEVIS and BUTTHEAD. At this point, BEVIS is lost concentration on everything around him and has focused his attention on trying to get the glove on.   
  
UPCHUCK: (business-like but in his usual suave manner)  
Boys, what's the hold up? The line is slowing down.  
  
BUTTHEAD: (to UPCHUCK, pointing at DARIA)  
Huh-huh. We have a intruder breaking the line, sir. After Officer Bevis sticks his hand up this intruder's ass...huh-huh...we gotta pound this punk-ass and treat her like a Rodeny King....huh-huh...  
  
At this time, BEVIS has both hands stuck inside the glove. He tries to wrestle the situation.  
  
BEVIS: (mainly to himself, grunting)  
...EEEeeeeeeeft...damn it!.......  
  
UPCHUCK:  
(calmly to BUTTHEAD) Easy, gentlemen. I doubt someone would want to smuggle Maui-WOWIE into the afterlife. (turns to DARIA and recognizes her, suddenly pleasantly surprised) Miss Dar-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-ria Mor-r-r-r-r-rgando-r-r-r...!!  
  
DARIA: (impatient with what's gone on so far, to UPCHUCK)  
Knock off the verbal abuse of my mis-given name or you'll get a canal search from MY Doc Martins!  
  
UPCHUCK:  
What a fool of me to trifle onto your forthwith yet fragile state of mind, my brown hared tragic beauty.  
  
DARIA:  
Excuse me?  
  
YUPPIE WOMAN: (angrily breaks in, to UPCHUCK)  
What's the matter with you?! Kick her back to the line NOW! I didn't pay for priority position to get a up close view of some loafer killing herself ahead of me!  
  
DARIA is startled with this round of revelations and UPCHUCK addresses her and the rest of the restless natives in line.  
  
UPCHUCK: (to the line)  
Please relax, everyone! We're experiencing a minor problem that will be resolved VERY shortly. You will meet your maker in due time and manner.  
  
UPCHUCK turns to THE LITTLE WENNERHEADS.  
  
UPCHUCK: (to the WENNERHEADS)  
Men, while I care for the Divine Mz. M, you two will have to take my place and assist our more immediate customers.  
  
BEVIS is now has his foot and one of his hands stuck inside the glove.  
  
BUTTHEAD: (happily)  
COOL!! (to BEVIS) Come on, dude! We get to see suckers fall to their death and stuff....huh-huh.  
  
BEVIS: (wide-eyed, excited)  
WOE! Kick Ass! heh-heh.  
  
Both BUTTHEAD and BEVIS turn and run (and, in BEVIS' case, hops) for the edge leaving UPCHUCK and DARIA behind.  
  
DARIA:  
Is this what I'm dreadfully think it is?  
  
UPCHUCK:  
To the inhabited, a drearily meekish 'yes', but to the bold fearless entrepreneur frontiersmen, HELL YEEES, BUCKOO! NOW STAND ASIDE AND LET THE AFTERLIFE BEGIN!!  
  
DARIA:  
Ummm, how about a bewildered, astonished by-standard?  
  
UPCHUCK: (starts to joyously ramble)  
Daria!? My favorite intellectual ball-breaking Tura Satana? Surprised with silence?! You always proudly boast that our western civilization is on it's last elbow, getting deeper into the sewage of the age of decadence; self-destruction in it's own multiple hands of corporate greed, political blood-letting and social narcissism, intentional tossing of the less-fortunate yet more-deserving losers aside, trashing our unrecyclibe environment for the sheer audacity, wildly dispensing fast-food religious hell-fire like a nasty game of dodgeball while the system of social circle jerking hypocrisy raining upon us all and, let's not forget the granddaddy of all hands of human destruction, indulging in good-old fashion GRRRRRRREEEEEEED!  
  
DARIA: (uncomfortable)  
I don't remember saying anything about 'blood-letting'...  
  
UPCHUCK: (cont.)  
..and now, our scorched earth is turning more baron than our inter-uncivilized souls with a sense of a blind mindless mission accomplished. The Twinkies on Gimmie Gimmie Tree from the Garden of Greeden now lay digested and spewed like fertilizer over those losers who weren't strong and corrupted enough to join our little party wagon to hell. Where do we go from HERE now that our SUV's sucked the last bearable breathing air for our cancer filled lungs!?! What level of existence haven't we exploited to the hilt yet? Why, of course! The ULTIMATE untapped market!  
  
DARIA: (wiry)  
The Trump Plaza on the other side....?  
  
UPCHUCK:   
BINGO!  
  
UPCHUCK begins to walk along side the line lead towards the front with DARIA following  
  
DARIA:  
Do you by chance enrolled into Pat Robertson's School Of Heathen Business?  
  
UPCHUCK:  
Oh, my dear Daria. The old ways of the old cross doesn't have the staying power over the weak-minded yet strong-willed wallet as it once had. Preoccupied with sexual scandals and bribing willing politicians, the fire and brimstone is no longer the magnet for these piggy banks who are looking for a security blanket until judgment day. So why not cut the middle man to head straight to the finishing line in a golden BMW chariot.  
  
DARIA:  
Upchuck, I hardly doubt what YOU are about to call 'the major cash cow investment in what's left of a sucker's life' would need a used car salesman to complicate things more than they really are.   
  
UPCHUCK:  
'Complicate'?! We're just assisting. Observe.  
  
UPCHUCK motions his arms to direct DARIA's attention to THE LITTLE WEANERHEADS. The said WEANERHEADS are now seen standing at the edge of the bridge, standing ether side of a nameless INVESTOR, who's, as we're cutting in, giving the WEANERHEAD's his sob story.  
  
INVESTOR: (sobbing)  
...and then, my accountant suggested I invest in Electric Doggie Polishers to make up for the losses from that Scientology-based religion of prosperity through eating money....and that's went the bottom fell out of my appetite, my wallet and my life.....  
  
INVESTOR starts to cry in his hands. There's a moment or two of silence from the WEANERHEADS until....  
  
WEANERHEADS: (sarcastically, as much fake sincerity they can muster)  
AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......!!!  
  
Both start to laugh and bag on the INVESTOR.  
  
BEVIS: (laughs)  
Hehehehehehehe...what a DUMB ass.....  
  
BUTTHEAD: (ditto)  
Huhuhuhuhuh....yea, what don't ya hunt down that bastard and KICK his stupid butt instead of acting like a wuss?....huh-huh..  
  
INVESTOR points to a gentlemen at the end of the line.  
  
INVESTOR:  
He's at the end of the line...the one with the bodyguards protecting him from his other clients.  
  
BEVIS:  
Oh, yea. Heh-heh. The bastard that everyone wants to kill before, like, he kill's himself. Kaul!!  
  
BUTTHEAD: (to INVESTOR)  
O. K., you sorry dumbass...huh, huh...time to meet your maker. (points to the river far below)  
  
BEVIS: (ditto)  
Yea...so he can kick your stupid ass, too.  
  
Both WEANERHEADS start to push him off, but UPCHUCK runs in the scene and stops them.  
  
UPCHUCK: (hurried)  
BOYS! BOYS! Don't force them off. Just make sure you get the cash and help them with this MOST precious moment.  
  
BEVIS:  
Oh, yea.  
  
DARIA: (to UPCHUCK)  
Help? As in talk to then through their problems?  
  
UPCHUCK:  
No, make sure they make a clean jump. I don't want to leave a mess when, at the slim chance that the cops might arrive.  
  
BUTTHEAD: (upset)  
...but, wouldn't as much fun.  
  
BEVIS:  
Yea,...heh-heh...(whistles a sound of a bomb falling and then shouts) SPLAT!!!  
  
The by-now highly-nervous INVESTOR suddenly jumps from the shock of BEVIS' loud "splat" sound. Unfortunately, he end up on the wrong end of the edge and is seen falling off into the river below. All react, especially BEVIS and BUTTHEAD.  
  
BUTTHEAD: (to BEVIS)  
WHOA! Huh-huh! That was kaul, dude!!  
  
BUTTHEAD:  
Just doin' my job, sir...heh-heh...thank you, drive through please ......heh-heh..  
  
DARIA: (astonished)  
The HELL.........?!  
  
UPCHUCK: (back to his suave/business banter, to DARIA)  
Just partaking in the American free-enterprise of supply and demand.  
  
BUTTHEAD:  
Yea....huh-huh. They supply the butt....  
  
BEVIS: (finishes off BUTTHEAD's line)  
...and we fulfill their demand by giving them the (excitingly) BOOT!! Heh-heh. (shouting) NEEEEEEEXT!!  
  
DARIA places a hand over her face.  
  
DARIA: (disbelief, mainly to herself)  
I don't believe this. Upchuck as St. Peter with a bulky wallet and my worst chapter from my past as demolition derby hearse drivers.  
  
UPCHUCK gently takes one of DARIA's arm as to lead her towards the edge.  
  
UPCHUCK: (gentlemanly but a little too eager, to DARIA)  
If you're willing yet unable, I can cut you in line and a insider discount. I have to do this quietly, though, as the natives are getting restless.  
  
DARIA quickly pulls her arm away from UPCHUCK and becomes quite angry.  
  
DARIA: (to UPCHUCK)  
Get your goddamned greedy hands off me, you Marvel-comic-buying-and-selling-son of a bitch. The choices I make are my OWN and what I do with it is none of your business...literally.  
  
UPCHUCK:  
Oh, but Daria, I hardly find that information hardly relevant! EVERYbody at school knows that you and Jane broke up over that kiss and you have been feeling...well...MORE that the usual 'dark' tone lately.  
  
BEVIS: (to DARIA)  
Really?! I felt that way when White Zombie broke up.  
  
DARIA: (still on UPCHUCK)  
Still doesn't mean I should give in the sheep heard mentality of throwing in my emotional state to be at "one" with my empty wallet for the blind sake of maintain the American patriotic tradition of (briefly impersonating UPCHUCK) GREEEEEEED (back to herself) as you so lovingly put it. There are just some thing's that is beyond the insistent dominance of materialism and a stock portfolio, Upchuck. It's called life. Dealing with the unexpected back-stabbing, bruises pratfalls and other surprises that WE experience everyday. (zeroing in on UPCHUCK) Like having cheerleaders and the girls from the Chess Club answering your insistent requests for dates by typing it out on your forehead, or your father locking you up in the basement for a weekend after you tried to turn the garage into your own Playboy Mansion....  
  
UPCHUCK:  
.....or mopping around, mumbling to yourself like Rev. Jim Ignatowski while your former-friend is telling everybody how Joan Collins you really are.  
  
DARIA: (sternly)  
You're references are old as your Pac-Man cereal premium collection.  
  
UPCHUCK:  
But, at the VERY least, I do it style. It's also HOW we prepare for these little bumps in the road...and, judging from your little bruises, I'd say SOME poor fool forgot the kneepads.  
  
DARIA:  
So, you cushion yourself by taking money from desperate people at their end of the golden rope. Upchuck, I may not be mondo jovial as your wallet but for whatever my mistakes are and however I do to deal with them is MY business and MY choice. Whether I'm right or wrong is my own eternal debate that I must face and I don't need commentary from your ego or these numbnuts you hired for security.  
  
UPCHUCK: (innocently interrupts)  
Actually, they're my foreign partners in this venture......  
  
DARIA: (brutally interrupts)  
..and I can't think of anything more desperate than using OTHER peoples money...no, scratch that...money in general, as a personal security blanket from YOUR deepest problems. I maybe taking my split with Jane hard, but I'd say someone eles is going to suck on a tail pipe by his first year in college.  
  
UPCHUCK: (waving DARIA off)  
Daria, Daria. Using SUCH brutal descriptions to nail in a DULL point is so gouache. If you can't roll with the punches, you might as well profit from it. (turns to the WEANERHEADS) Right, boys? (sees the WEANERHEADS and goes into shock) AAAAuuuuggghhhh!!!!  
  
Cut to the WEANERHEADS with another, more fatter, customer (BIG LADY). While BIG LADY stands still, looking over the edge in indecision and fear, BUTTHEAD is pulling one of his arms over the edge (he literally hanging over the edge to do this) and BEVIS is one of his feet implanted, thereby, stuck between BIG LADY's butt cheeks (Actually, BIG LADY's business pants are on, but thanks to the force of BEVIS' kick, the fabric has stretched to the point that it's tight enough to trap BEVIS' feet between the cheeks...you get the idea). The BIG LADY is almost crying and the WEANERHEAD are grunting.  
  
BUTTHEAD: (mad)  
Ufffth...damn it, Bevis. Kick!  
  
BEVIS: (ditto)  
I'm trying, buttplug. Eeeehhh...My foot is trapped in her butt. Aahhh!  
  
UPCHUCK runs up to them.  
  
UPCHUCK: (urgently)  
Boys! Boys! What did I say about ONLY assisting?!?!  
  
BUTTHEAD:  
We are. Ms. Fatt Ass here was chickening out after she gave us the doe. So we're helping her make up her mind...(to BIG LADY)...Come on, you're gonna get what you paid for....huh-huh...  
  
BEVIS:  
Yea, this ain't no fetish bar were you get a lawn mower rammed up yer butt....  
  
DARIA runs up, grabs BEVIS by his waist and manages to pull BEVIS and his foot out of the BIG GUY.  
  
BEVIS: (to DARIA)  
Heh-heh...thanks, babe.  
  
BIG LADY: (sobbing)  
I...I...don't think I can...I mean....how can I live with myself after Monica Lewenski failed Weight Watchers...or, was that Paula Jones...no, wait...Linda Tripp....Tipper Gore???? Oh, GOD. I'm SO confused!  
  
DARIA: (to herself)  
First, greed, now hero worshipping...  
  
BUTTHEAD: (to the BIG LADY)  
It wasn't her...it was that Di chick. Now do it or Bevis and I will unconfuse you.  
  
BEVIS limps up to the BIG LADY.  
  
BEVIS:  
Not before I kick some ass around for my messed-up ankle.  
  
BUTTHEAD:  
....Uhhh...I think you already did...and sucked at it, dude.  
  
BEVIS:  
I did? Damn it!!  
  
UPCHUCK: (nervously, attempting to humor up the situation)  
Now, boys, no more 'buts' for tonight. This isn't a fetish bar. Right, Bevis?  
  
BEVIS: (to UPCHUCK)  
I don't know, but I kinda like your butt. Heh-heh. I'd wouldn't kick it.  
  
BUTTHEAD:  
Yea. I kinda like you're butt, too.  
  
UPCHUCK getting really nervous with the direction of this conversation.  
  
UPCHUCK: (sweating)  
Ummm.....hehehehehehehehe. Please. We have customers to attend to.  
  
BEVIS:  
Ah...you know what? Screw the business. The only reason we gave you our bucks and went up here with you is, well, heh-heh, date you and stuff...  
  
BUTTHEAD:  
Yea, huh-huh, you're kinda cute...and stuff....  
  
UPCHUCK:  
Wait! What are you saying?!?!  
  
DARIA: (a little stunned herself, to UPCHUCK)  
I think they're trying to say is that they might be gay.  
  
BEVIS:   
Might be?! We're grade-A butt pirates!  
  
BUTTHEAD:  
Flammers...  
  
BEVIS:  
A POOFer  
  
BUTTHEAD:  
Fairies...  
  
BEVIS:  
Well, at least we think so. MTV had a Ricky Martin/N'SYNC day and there wasn't anything else on....  
  
BUTTHEAD:  
...and after the first two hours, we started feeling kinda queer in our pants...and the next thing we knew, we were listening to Bevis's mom's Cher CD's.  
  
BEVIS: (singing, more like screaming)  
'I Belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeveeeeeee!!!  
  
UPCHUCK:  
But we're making a ton of money here and you're talking nothing but pointless trivial dribble like your personal problems. I hope you don't do anything foolish by throwing it all away.  
  
BUTTHEAD: (to UPCHUCK)  
We may have to, dude. Now that we're out of the closet, Todd'll hunt us down and stomp our asses like a Narc Agent at a biker rally. Huh-huh.  
  
BEVIS: (bummed out)  
Oh, that would suck whale dick.  
  
BUTTHEAD: (to BEVIS)  
Well,...huh-huh...how about lover's leap? With Upchuck?  
  
BEVIS: (excited)  
REALLY?! KOOL! I got debs on rear entry!!  
  
UPCHUCK:  
WAIT!!!!  
  
BUTTHEAD comes over to UPCHUCK and, with his arms, grabs UPCHUCK in a neck hold and forces him towards the edge of the bridge. UPCHUCK tries unsuccessfully to struggle himself to freedom.  
  
UPCHUCK: (panicking)  
Daria?!?! Ms. Fat Ass?!?! HELP!!!  
  
BUTTHEAD: (to BEVIS)  
But you better be damned ready. It's a short ride from here to eternal pancake city.  
  
BEVIS:  
O. K.  
  
As DARIA is about to try to help UPCHUCK, BEVIS blocks her way and pushes her away. DARIA hits the ground. By this time, BUTTHEAD and UPCHUCK are on the edge and are about to leap but BUTTHEAD pause and turns to DARIA (and everybody else on the bridge)  
  
BUTTHEAD:  
(Starts to sing the following lyrics, badly) '....and she's buuuuying the stairway...(pause) to heaveeeeeeennn....'(laughs a bit)...Huh-huh...I always wanted to do that.  
  
BUTTHEAD leaps with UPCHUCK in tow. UPCHUCK screams out his final words.  
  
UPCHUCK:  
Give my regards to the Playboy Mansionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.....  
  
Both are gone. It's BEVIS's turn. As he approaches the ledge, he drops his pants. He, too, stops and turns to the folks, but, this time, directly to DARIA.  
  
BEVIS: (to DARIA)  
Ummmm...I really don't have any last words and stuff....heh-heh... how about, 'Removal of this tag is strictly prohibited and will be punishable to the full extent of the law'. (he then pulls his shirt just over the top of his head and sticks his arms out like Great Cornhillio). Heh-heh. Oh, yea. Hey, Diarrhea, sorry about your name. (he turns towards the water and goes into his Cornholio voice) I'm The Great Cornholio, I got Tee Pee for your (leaps off) BUNNNNGGHOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!!!  
  
DARIA is still on the ground and in shock (in her own way). The BIG LADY chimes in the brake the spell.  
  
BIG LADY: (mainly to himself)  
What just happened?! I was ready to end my life over a flawed and fattened former intern in a failed advertising campaign. Next thing I knew, I saw people who were going to help me end my life change theirs right in front of me and stopped me from ending mine. Maybe there is hope. M...Maybe money is not the answer. Maybe I shouldn't be concerned with what the media tells me to think about myself. I should live my own life and SCREW EVERYBODY ELSE. This is my life (he begins to jump up and down in jubilation) That's the secret of life!! I'm free! I'm free! My guardian angles revealed it to me! Oh, Thank You, My Dearest Angle. Thank You! Thank...  
  
Before BIG LADY can utter the next word, the piece of old road underneath her jumping spot collapses and falls right into the river below....and as she lands down, BIG LADY falls right into the river.  
  
BIG LADY: (cont.)  
.....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUggghhhyou Bitcchhhhhhhh........  
  
DARIA: (regretting what she's about to say)  
You're...welcome...?!  
  
A female STOCKBROKER, near-by, is heard and is addressing the crowd behind her.  
  
STOCKBROKER: (to the people behind her)  
Hey, everybody! The gate keepers are gone. It's the blue light special! Let's go!!!!  
  
Suddenly, the large line begins to fall apart and make a very mad dash towards the ledge. DARIA braises herself to be stampeded. However, before anybody gets any closer, a loud gun-shot is heard and the sound stops everybody in their tracks. The sound is coming from YUPPIE WOMAN and her gun that she was hiding in her briefcase. YUPPIE WOMAN walks sternly past the crowd and close to the edge while holding the gun over her head to show everybody.  
  
YUPPIE WOMAN: (angrily to everybody in ear shot)  
Any living BODY even THINKS about cutting in FRONT of ME will MEET eternity FACE to FACE with MISTER MAGNUM!! GOT IT!!!  
  
Everybody (but DARIA, she's mearly a witness) nods yes.  
  
YUPPIE WOMAN:  
GOOD!!!  
  
YUPPIE WOMAN stops just short of the ledge. She puts down her briefcase and gun down. She then whips out her small make up kit and, either out of necessity or audacity, takes her time fixing her hair and putting another layer of lipstick. She puts the kit away, picks up the gun and briefcase and, JUST before she leaps, she turns her head to the crowd behind her and......  
  
YUPPIE WOMAN: (to the crowd)  
The last dry lemming gets to turn off the light!!  
  
She shoots the gun into the air as it was a starting gun and leaps over, followed closely by everybody else, cheering as if they started a running marathon. The sight is almost like a fall of humanity pouring into the river. DARIA, covering herself from the might of the crowd, is still sitting on the ground with the crowd around her passing around her.  
  
VARIOUS VOICES FROM THE CROWD (Some to DARIA, some to each other):  
'Come on, what are you waiting for, kiddo!' 'Don't cut in front of me', etc., etc.,  
  
After a couple of minutes of this, everybody has gone to the river, leaving DARIA behind. The scene and, for that manner, the whole bridge is now deserted and quiet with only the sound from the river below is heard. After a quite moment or two of gathering her thoughts together, DARIA slowly gets up and carefully walks to the edge. She gets on her knees and sits on her feet while starting down on the river. She sees no sign of anybody. Again, she just stairs down emotionless, thinking things over. After another set of quiet minutes, DARIA, almost whispering, recites a poem.  
  
DARIA: (to herself)  
Razors pain you;  
Rivers are damp;  
Acids stain you;  
and drugs causes cramps.  
Guns aren't lawful;  
Nooses give;  
(she get up and turns to leave)  
Gas smells awful;  
*sigh* You might as well live.  
  
DARIA then walks away from the ledge and exits the scene back through the hole in the bridge. Fade Ta Black.  
  
Da End. 8/16/M2. 7:49 p. m.  
  
Story: (c) M2 Don Fields; DARIA, BEVIS & BUTTHEAD and related characters: (c) M2 MTV Networks, Inc.  
  
NOTES: Well, so much for that! Originally, this whole story was supposed to have been just a part of a larger fanfic piece called 'The Whole Damned Thing (Or Any World [That I'm Welcome To])'. Generally, the story had Daria roaming around Lawndale very late at night rambling and ranting to a tape recorder about her place in life, or lack there of. She dumps into situations and familiar characters (like Jane and Andrea) along the way. Anyway, she reluctantly talks about the subject of suicide and a couple of 'dreams' she has of her own death, however, she doesn't even end up with a nose bleed. This above 'dream' was one of them. If you have noticed the leanth of JUST this piece, you could tell it was going to be a long one. Which is one of the chief reasons that this not-so-forth-coming mega-story probably won't happen.  
  
This also marks the second appearance of Bevis & Butthead in my fan fics (read 'Everything You Know Is Wrong!' for the first) and I hope it's the last time. Sure, it was fun writing these stupid Weanerheads in but I don't want to get too obvious around here and it's getting quite a clique in the Daria fanfic circles. Also, the first 2/3rd of this was written before the airing of those two powerhouse eps, 'Fire!' and 'Dye, Dye, My Darling'. What slowed me down on this story (now as an self-contained story) was that I needed a plausible reason for Daria to go to the bridge. Well, I'm not one to heavily rely on specific episodes for plot sprinboards, but after these two, what the hell, I figured, as long as I don't get too soap opreaish with it.  
  
I had a little social commentary on the 'Lemming Reflexes' and Yuppies, but I lost my train of though when my roommate (out of rage or boredom, I forgot) torched all the SUV's and BMW's in the neighborhood and created a soothing wall of fire. Well, living in Manhattan "This Is MY" Beach isn't for the thin skinned and wallet.  
  
Oh...and that poem at the end? It's called 'Resume' by Dorothy Parker from the 'The Viking Portable Library Of Dorothy Parker' paperback. Read it and feel the love of intelligent sarcasm smack you in the face.  
  
THE USUAL THANKS TO: The Daria Fandom Mafia (especially to Martin J. Pollard for getting back up from that overly anxious asshole lawyer and Canadibrit for the space with my name on it), that guy who runs FanFiction.Net, Harlan Ellison for the "Guarden Of Greeden" phrase, and The Molotov Cocktail Hour, Van Dyke Parks & Eugene Chadbourne for the background noise. I dedicate this piece to Steely Dan for coming back with 'Two Against Nature'.  
  
Coming up next on the Don-O's Fake Daria Netweb: that long-unwaiting sequel to 'The Sound Of One Band Sucking', 'It's the Millennium, Stupid!'...I think, I hope.....I really don't know  
  
Other titles by this shmuck:  
'The Sound Of One Band Sucking'  
'Kind Of Blue'  
'Everything You Know Is Wrong'  
Look for these titles at www.outpost-daria.com, www.fanfiction.net or a bribed Daria fanfic site near you. Thank You and turn this computer off, you're going blind!!   



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